In Medias Res – aka how the “fat piggy” was born

Everyone has a different story on how he/she became overweight. There are many reasons which to the weight gain can be traced back. In my case the process started when I was a little child.

My first negative memory which pointed out how obesity can be a problem is from the age of 7, when one of my classmates named be “fat piggy”. I still remember for the painful feeling related to getting this new “nickname”.

I went to the restroom crying and did not even came out until the break was over. Of course, I did not have to wait for long for some of the others to join into the bully. Then the avalanche started, which went on for long years. At the end I looked back the the times when they only cold me “fat piggy” with the desire to rather go back.

I do not think that this is the starting point of my weight problems, but this was the first time when I faced bullying which definitely was an important factor in becoming a 140 kg (ca. 310 lb.) (Yes… My jaw dropped too when I saw the number… Let me get back to this later though).

At age 7, when they called me the “fat piggy”

The “funny” part is that looking back to the pictures made of me in those days I did not even belong to the obese category… I was a little girl with a cleopatra haircut and a normal figure. Maybe I was not so skinny like the other “model body” girls in my class, but I definitelly was not a “fat piggy” either. Yet, maybe my classmates felt that I had a week point, that something is not okay and secure in me. Kids are very sensitive and honest. They will show everyone a brutal mirror by tell what is on their mind without a filter, not caring about the consequences. So it is up to you, if you can do something with it, or do not.

Years gone by and the “nickname” from the past slowly became reality. Even a couple of years ago I would not think that the scale will show such a large number as it showed in 2017. That was the time when I have decided that I will stop this vicious cycle, and fix my life. 140,3 kg (ca. 310 lb)… This was the number on screen of the most hated machine in my life that time when I have stepped on it.

With this weight real “fat piggies” would be slaughtered long ago… – I thought to myself and made the decision which was the best of my life so far.

By this time, my therapist was pestering me for month already with all the tools in his power to make me start the life change I needed. I was unbreakable. (Yeah, my resistance seemed to be as powerful as my persistence for my negative eating habits…) Afterwards he told me that he felt powerless in the situation by the end. Yet he only needed to be patient a bit more, because I had the direction already, I was only waiting for his birthday to tell him the good news. He was so happy, because the real present was that his hard work did have an effect on me. I had a plan, I knew what to do in order to stay alive instead of falling down one day on a street corner because my heart could not fight the pressure of my weight anymore.

2014, on my Graduation Ceremony, weighted 122kg.

Maybe it sounds theatrical, but I really was in serious danger. I could not walk more than two blocks at once without having side effects. Of course at the second one my heart was beating like crazy, panting quicker than dogs in the summer heat and my joints were in pain. In the evenings I was laying in bed with my legs swollen. Most nights slept with my feets elevated, sometimes it worked, but there were mornings when I woke up with having the same numbness as before. On hot summer days, I was operating like a 95 years old grandma in the heat of Dubaii. It was not life anymore, and I had to realize that I cannot fix this by myself. The problem grew too large for me.

Finally, I have decided to go ahead with a weight loss surgery, if possible. I have spent tons of time researching the topic: I read articles, consulted with doctors, made countless medical tests, checked out what and how, just to make sure, to see if I am the right candidate for this procedure, and the operation is the way to go for me in the long run. I have also checked all different versions of weight loss surgeries, went deep into seeing the risks, pros and cons, what does it require from me if I step on this road, what is happening after the operation is done etc. I kept my eyes on the goal, and just did what I have got to do to say goodbye to the extra pounds forever.

It was my project, and I did not let anyone to come near it. In the past every try was from the will or for the wish of someone else, so this time I wanted it to be only mine. I had to know that it only happens because I – and only me – want it so, and because I love myself so much to follow through.

WEIGHT LOSS IS A HUGE BARRIER IN ONES LIFE. AND, THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE IS NOT TO KEEPING THE DIET OR GO CONSISTENTLY TO WORK OUT, IT MUST BE SEARCHED IN THE HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS AND EMOTIONAL JOURNEY TO GO THROUGH.

In fact, this was the time when the very first disappointments in people happened. Some of the people who I believed were real friends did not understand that there are things which are private, and that I am not as accessible as I used to be, and I am not willing to sacrifice myself and my needs for them. I became number one for myself – which is actually very much normal. Yet I would like to write another article later on about this because this topic deserves a separate post.

Photo: Pixabay

I rather tell you about how it all started, I mean the process which I am currently still in the middle of. For first we went to a therapist – who is for today became my teacher – with my boyfriend of the time, with whom our relationship was on a very bad track then. My life partner fo the time (again) – which word is not really an implication of the depth of our relationship, only a reference to that we lived together – by realizing my weakness created by being overweight, my low self esteem, my giving nature and my need to be loved used the situation to his interest only and manipulated me with all possible tools with which he almost ruined my life with. The sad thing is that I let him do this for a while, and if I would not have anyone next to me I would stay with him for much longer.

POSITIVE SELF ESTEEM WAS A MISSING ELEMENT FOR ME AT THAT TIME, 100%.

Luckily he was not successful in the long run. The outcome of the couple therapy – which had the goal of saving the relationship initally – was our breakup. It was a good solution for both of us – I am sure he knows it deep inside too –  and from the point of view of my future a real life saver act. And, as I exited this toxic relationship came the healing process, then the development of my personality: establishing my brand new life management, reaching the mind set which made me capable for loosing weight, and then the big ride: the weight loss itself…

Since my early ages all my unsuccessful datings, so many attempts to loos weight which also were unsuccessful in the long run, my loving family who tried to help were out of tools, the yo-yoingly increasing pounds and the meanwhile mercilessly passing time all show that reaching the ideal weight is only possible if someone wants it himself/herself.

I lost count of the number of people who wanted to save my life throughout the years. Staring with my parents and doctors who we know all the way to my friends. I even had a teacher who was determined to help me… Yet, all of them failed, because I was not the one who wanted to loose weight or I did not want to do it for me. Unfortunately I was not ready back then, therefore all of these tries were foreseeable to end up in failure. Even so many years later I am sorry, and I apologize for everyone who wanted to help and faced walls only and/or experiences bad feelings because of the outcome of their efforts. I guess I am a late-maturity type…

Anyhow, for years, I was closed up and hided what hurt inside, how it felt to be over weight, how people used me, that I had eating disorders and problems with my self-image, that there were no day when I did not get into a disregarding situation or had got a rude comment or reaction on the streets. While I was only focused on my survival and with all these tensions I lost my control and the “guarding” fat pillows grew on my body with unstoppable diligence.

Photo: Shashank Kumawat

Unfortunatelly I am not the only one in these shoes. From the view of the existance of the mental pressure all fat people are under great pressure no matter of where they came from, what gender they are – yes, it is also very hard for man to live with the extra weight, we just do not talk about them that much, – what financial situation they are in, how old they are, have a significant other or nor, what is their position etc.

ALL OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE ARE UNDER A GREAT AMOUNT OF PRESSURE FROM A MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL POINT OF VIEW.

Therefore, we have to pay attention to the situation. We cannot take this issue lightly, because when the weight grows also the burden, exponentially, and at the end we can find ourselves or our loved ones in a downwards spiral – which in a worse case scenario irreversible – from where coming back is hell. It is possible to reverse, but it get much harder as the problem is in a more progressed state, and the successful outcome is also less likely, because of the journey back to normal takes longener and harder to follow through without falling back. I really know this from a personal experience… I took a while for me to get where I am now… 

Anyhow, one thing is for sure, two weeks before my surgery when my date was confirmed I set down in front of a white paper to take stock if I am making the right decosion. I wrote down what will be positive and what negative when I go ahead with the operation, and all pros and cons if I decide in favor of backing up. Because it was obvious from the results that the right path is the surgery and I am making the good decision, therefore all my doubts disappeared and I could face the upcoming challenges – yes, there were some last minute unexpected situations to solve, of course – fighting like a mother tiger for her babies, and waiting for the big day with inner calmness and a smile on my face.

For today it became a highlighted date on my calendar marking my second birthday to celebrate, the day of my rebirth.

To be coninuted…

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